Through tears

My heart is full of emotions right now.  I am overwhelmed by God's love, sad to watch friends depart, expectant that God will continue to be more kind to me than I can imagine.  And then we can just throw in really tired.  A girl's way to deal with this is to cry.  But, doing that in an office full of men is not ideal, so I'm trying not to.  Instead, I will just spill some emotion on my blog.  You don't mind, do you?

First, I am amazed that God loves me so much.  I have been seeing in increasing measure how gross my heart is.  I am so ashamed of my pride and unbelief that I can hardly bear to look at it.  No, I've never robbed a bank, murdered anyone, or worn socks with flip flops.  I tend to obey the rules, because I fear that if I don't I will lose love, God's love.  I fail to believe that when He says I am forgiven and loved, it is forever.  That when Jesus died on the cross, He gave me his righteous record and took my sinful one.  God will forever see me with Christ's righteous record.  He is changing me into Christ's image and sin has not yet been eradicated from my heart, but He cannot ever love me more than He does right now and He will never love me less.  I don't need to hide my sin - not that that is ever effective anyway.  I don't need to tiptoe around God when I sin.  He has already covered it in Christ's blood and I only need to confess and it is gone, never to be held against me.  I still hesitate to fully embrace this, but I know it is true and I cling to it for dear life.

Second, I am sad as I watch my dear friends go home.  God, in His amazing kindness, has introduced me to some of His children here.  Friends who are passionate about knowing God.  Friends who have taught me what it looks like to pursue God.  Friends who have cared for my soul.  I have gotten to work with them, hang out, chat, encourage and be encouraged.  My heart gets quickly attached to people anyway, but with these friends, I got very attached.  It tears my heart to watch them go.  I am so happy that they get to return to their families, as I am longing to see my own.  I hope to hear what God does with them.  And I will look forward to seeing them one day in Heaven.

Third, I am looking forward to what God will do next.  I know God is good, because He says so.  I know God is good, because I have seen Him work.  I cannot expect him to be anything other than good.  That does not mean that I will enjoy what comes next.  But it does mean that I don't have to fear it.  He will continue to take care of me.  And He will continue to take care of all those I love, like you.  And all those I don't know.

Alright, that does it.  Excuse me while I go cry.  Anyone have a tissue?